I Miss You

I miss you.

I miss having the reassurance that if anything might happen to me, you're here and I can depend on you.

I miss visiting you at your restaurant. I miss the nights together where tell your stories with a glass of wine and some delicious tapas on the table. I miss knowing that if I happen to be near your place, there was a chance that I would see you working and talking to your customers.

Now, I can't even pass by your place without shedding a tear.

I miss you.

I miss that on every holiday occasions I never fail to receive a text from you giving your best wishes although it wasn't an event that we celebrated, but still, you send everyone you best wishes.

I miss you.

Thank YOU

I know I have been such a pain these past few months. I became less the person I was. I'm easily frustrated and agitated. I didn't mean to be difficult. I'm sorry for the things I put you through and the situations that you have to face unwillingly.

I appreciate the things that you coped up with me and not a second did I took you for granted. I am lucky to have someone who is patient with my selfish and tormenting ways these past few months.

I know I need to get out from this rut I'm in. I need to pull myself together and try to look ahead for once. I know I need to do this and I hope you'll be here with me through it all.

Do know that I am thankful for everything that you've done.

Why Can't I Forget..

There are things in life that I wish not to remember. There are those I wish I've never known.

People and even songs tell us that time will heal, but it seems to me that pain is timeless. It stays hidden inside and when it seeps through a small opening, that is when your whole world crumbled once again. The pain never goes away. It stays hibernated only to surface again and strike you where it hurts.

There are things I wish to forget and people I wish I hadn't known...

Death

Death - it is something that has always intrigued me.

What is it about? Is it true what they say about death? When you've been good you go up to heaven but when you've been bad you'll be thrown down to hell. How do we know that is true? There are those who also say that when you die, you feel nothing. You're just dead. Under the ground. Feels nothing and knows nothing.

But there are those who proclaimed that they have seen heaven and hell. They were there in heaven with Jesus and was asked to record everything. How would one know that it is real? I too can just say that one day I was invited by Jesus to go to heaven and He showed me everything and how people can be saved. I'd make myself big bucks out of that.

Does anyone really know how it is? What happen to us when we die?

Is it true that they say you'll see bright light, you'll see all you past memories before you and you go into the bright tunnel where everyone is calling you. Those are some of the experiences that those who were close to death had.

People said without death, you won't appreciate life. I guess I'm just one of a kind for disagreeing with that.

Sigh.

If I were to die, I just hope that it's just a deep sleep - knowing and feeling nothing. I'm used to feeling so, so it won't be that hard on me.

I'm Just Stupid

I know I am not always right. I know that the way I think isn't a thorough, realistic and mature way. I know I ain't got all the answers right. I know emotions play a part in my decision making.

It has always been this way. I know what I want. But I'm not sure it's what you want. I can always decide according to how and what I want. But I don't. For me I like to discuss and reach an understanding. But I guess it never goes that way. Somewhere in the middle everything turns sour, hell broke loose and damaged has been done.

I'm stupid at reading signs and gestures. I see things as they are. I'm not an abstract person that can see the form of an angel from a piece of paper with what I'm sure are splashes of paint. I see a line as a line, nothing more and nothing less. When I don't get a clear answer I get frustrated because I don't know what is happening. It's my fault for being a stupid asshole.

I am not a great person to be with and I make the silliest argument from the silliest matter. I get angry at nothing and I get depressed out of nothing. I wouldn't want to be with someone like me. I don't know why you would. I'm nothing but a pain in the ass with a fucked up life.

I'm just a fake.

How can I say that I love you while I hate and despise myself the most? Doesn't the saying goes 'you must love yourself before loving others'? How can I make another person happy when I'm not even happy with myself? I just can't be the person that I want to be. In my head I want to be the greatest for you. But in reality I can't even get myself to do what I need to do to make this work.

I wish there's a way that I could turn back time. To a time that I first fell for you. I have hurt you so much that I feel it is better off if that night that I fell for you never happened. I'm sure you would've been happier and lived a better life.

I'm okay with it

So many things to write, so little time.. sigh..

What a day I just had. Sometimes I wish I'm deaf. I've decided. I'm making the ultimate sacrifice.

I know I'm the only reason stopping this thing from happening. I won't be the reason anymore. I'll help what I can for I know it is the right thing for everyone.

I've prayed, I've pleaded and I've begged. But it seems it is not my call. For once I won't let it be all about me. I can see it's a good thing - even if I need to be out of the picture.

I wish all the good things to be with you and hope you'll have everything you've wished for.