Death

Death - it is something that has always intrigued me.

What is it about? Is it true what they say about death? When you've been good you go up to heaven but when you've been bad you'll be thrown down to hell. How do we know that is true? There are those who also say that when you die, you feel nothing. You're just dead. Under the ground. Feels nothing and knows nothing.

But there are those who proclaimed that they have seen heaven and hell. They were there in heaven with Jesus and was asked to record everything. How would one know that it is real? I too can just say that one day I was invited by Jesus to go to heaven and He showed me everything and how people can be saved. I'd make myself big bucks out of that.

Does anyone really know how it is? What happen to us when we die?

Is it true that they say you'll see bright light, you'll see all you past memories before you and you go into the bright tunnel where everyone is calling you. Those are some of the experiences that those who were close to death had.

People said without death, you won't appreciate life. I guess I'm just one of a kind for disagreeing with that.

Sigh.

If I were to die, I just hope that it's just a deep sleep - knowing and feeling nothing. I'm used to feeling so, so it won't be that hard on me.

I'm Just Stupid

I know I am not always right. I know that the way I think isn't a thorough, realistic and mature way. I know I ain't got all the answers right. I know emotions play a part in my decision making.

It has always been this way. I know what I want. But I'm not sure it's what you want. I can always decide according to how and what I want. But I don't. For me I like to discuss and reach an understanding. But I guess it never goes that way. Somewhere in the middle everything turns sour, hell broke loose and damaged has been done.

I'm stupid at reading signs and gestures. I see things as they are. I'm not an abstract person that can see the form of an angel from a piece of paper with what I'm sure are splashes of paint. I see a line as a line, nothing more and nothing less. When I don't get a clear answer I get frustrated because I don't know what is happening. It's my fault for being a stupid asshole.

I am not a great person to be with and I make the silliest argument from the silliest matter. I get angry at nothing and I get depressed out of nothing. I wouldn't want to be with someone like me. I don't know why you would. I'm nothing but a pain in the ass with a fucked up life.

I'm just a fake.

How can I say that I love you while I hate and despise myself the most? Doesn't the saying goes 'you must love yourself before loving others'? How can I make another person happy when I'm not even happy with myself? I just can't be the person that I want to be. In my head I want to be the greatest for you. But in reality I can't even get myself to do what I need to do to make this work.

I wish there's a way that I could turn back time. To a time that I first fell for you. I have hurt you so much that I feel it is better off if that night that I fell for you never happened. I'm sure you would've been happier and lived a better life.