I'm Just Stupid

I know I am not always right. I know that the way I think isn't a thorough, realistic and mature way. I know I ain't got all the answers right. I know emotions play a part in my decision making.

It has always been this way. I know what I want. But I'm not sure it's what you want. I can always decide according to how and what I want. But I don't. For me I like to discuss and reach an understanding. But I guess it never goes that way. Somewhere in the middle everything turns sour, hell broke loose and damaged has been done.

I'm stupid at reading signs and gestures. I see things as they are. I'm not an abstract person that can see the form of an angel from a piece of paper with what I'm sure are splashes of paint. I see a line as a line, nothing more and nothing less. When I don't get a clear answer I get frustrated because I don't know what is happening. It's my fault for being a stupid asshole.

I am not a great person to be with and I make the silliest argument from the silliest matter. I get angry at nothing and I get depressed out of nothing. I wouldn't want to be with someone like me. I don't know why you would. I'm nothing but a pain in the ass with a fucked up life.

I'm just a fake.

How can I say that I love you while I hate and despise myself the most? Doesn't the saying goes 'you must love yourself before loving others'? How can I make another person happy when I'm not even happy with myself? I just can't be the person that I want to be. In my head I want to be the greatest for you. But in reality I can't even get myself to do what I need to do to make this work.

I wish there's a way that I could turn back time. To a time that I first fell for you. I have hurt you so much that I feel it is better off if that night that I fell for you never happened. I'm sure you would've been happier and lived a better life.