Things I think when I have too much time to waste

Having so much time to waste these few days, I decided to figure out what do I what out of life. I've always been sure of myself when it comes to this matter. But however, along the way, I've lost the security I used to have. I was always sure of what I wanted to be, where I wanted to live, how I wanted to live, etc.

Decisions are now so hard for me to make, I have many elements around me affecting on the decision I make. I guess it was never hard for me last time because I never cared of others, I never bothered to listen, I never let anything gets in my way, cos I want what I want - no compromise.

I actually hate being in a state of unsureness. I like things to be well grounded, I like things to be black and white, where I can confirm things, where I can be sure it's a real deal. I was never the type to sit around and wait for something that may or may not be there. I would always look for something that I can see for myself - seeing is believing. But then again, somehow...along the way.. I lost that too. I do not know whether it is a good thing or a bad thing, being this vulnerable. Being in a state that I was never in. A strange place indeed, and I do feel afraid, I do feel insecure.

I somehow wonder who am I today. What ever did happened to me along the way? Why on earth did I lost myself? I actually do not know...

What is it in life that I want now? At the top of my head is one particular person, someone that could make me fall in love over and over again, someone that never failed to take my breath away.. A particular person that I came to love and care so much about, someone that I wish to hold on to for a long long time... But at the same time, this particular person is also someone that could make me go crazy, insane, out of my head! Crazy because I need to know it's a real deal.. Insane because I can never get the grounded answer.. And I'm going out of my head because no matter how hard I try to stop myself, I always end up falling deeper.. I hate these insecurities, being the vulnerable one..

I do not know where or how to get back what I used to have, how I used to be. It is a good thing by the way? For not being too uptight? For not having everything laid out? To just go about without being secured? Just thinking of it makes my head hurt.

*sigh*